Just think what you could do if you were able to travel back in
time. There’s all the important, worthwhile stuff like finding a way to
prevent wars, famine and the invention of reality TV.
I’d also invest in mobile phone shares and realise that Apple and Orange were sound business prospects, not just fruit.
I’d change the world of fashion by tracking down the person who came up with skinny jeans for men and introduce them to the wonders of banoffee pie, Lager and the elasticated waist.
But the first job on the agenda would be to travel back to ancient Rome, find a chap called Valentine, attach him to a post with a set of pink furry handcuffs and make him listen to I Will Always Love You on a loop.
Apologies to the manufacturers of three-foot padded cards but Valentine’s Day makes me want to rebel against romance and compose rhymes that include the word 'Nantucket.'
Yes, the whole love your partner thing is all very sweet but I just don’t see how this is achieved by paying £50 for a bunch of roses that will be reduced to a tenner the following day. And don’t even get me started on Valentine tat.
There’s nothing remotely romantic about boxer shorts that come with flashing lights and a button that can be pressed to hear a chorus of I’m Just A Love Machine.
Some of the pressies this year are more farcical than ever. Asda have a new ridiculous concept in cohabitation called a Twosie – this being a giant double poncho that allows the two lovebirds to be, quite literally, inseparable. It’s a bit like the costume for a panto horse but without a tail and not as classy..
Princess Gwyneth of the Paltrow has been getting in on the Valentine nonsense, with her website Goop charging more than £300 for a single gold and diamond heart-shaped earring, which she claims is a “no brainer” for Valentine’s Day.
Goop’s blurb declares it’s a woman’s “most trusted girlfriend on the web”.
If one of my mates (male or female) suggested splashing out that kind of money on one earring, I’d remove the vino (or spiked Orange Juice) from their hand and point out that £300 could buy a week in Benidorm.
But, according to the hype, the ultimate Valentine treat this year is something a little more intimate.
Ladies, cross those legs and prepare to feel thy toes curl.
Yes! Those who wish to increase their personal pleasure can invest in the G-spot jab.
Apparently doctors can now inject filler into that elusive area to increase its size and enhance sensation. Given that opinion is split as to whether the G-spot actually exists at all we can do is hope the procedure comes with a manual and a map with a huge red cross stating: “You Are Here.”
Yes, St Valentine has a lot to answer for. So in the words of Cher, the goddess of big hair and posturing, if I could turn back time, if I could find a way… I’d bin all that romance stuff and make him the patron saint of something far more profound. I wonder how he’d feel about Nantucket?
