Guy :Caterer To The Stars-: Best & Worst Celebrities

My dear friend Guy owns a restaurant and is worth quite a few bob these days.
However,away back in the mists of time he did big events and media catering.
Asked him what celebrities he has met.Who was the nicest and who was the biggest pain in the arse..

Nicest Celebrity
Mick Jagger.Or rather Sir Mick as he is these days.Apparently former Wild Man of rock is a total gent.Well-mannered and completely charming


Worst Celebrity
Jimmy Nail.
Guy and his gang had been hired to do the catering on Spender (Jimmy Nail's cop show in the 1990's when he was at his peak)They though it was gonna be a great job and thought Jimmy would be 'one of the lads', much like his TV-persona.
Not a chance !
The first day,Jimmy came to the catering van and asked for a bottle of mineral water.Guy handed-him a bottle of Highland Spring only for Jimmy to give him a mouthful of expletives and how he wasn't going to be drinking "no Jock Piss-water" on his set.It was downhill from there and Guy and Co. left after 3 days ,chucked the job because of Jimmy The Nail's rudeness.
You never hear much of Jimmy Nail these days.

Paris:Me &The Pickpockets

I was warned.
On a recent trip to Paris for a holiday break I got my pocket-picked for the very first time.It was on the Paris Metro railway system.Was chatting to some English folks at the hotel and this poor lady had her handbag dipped and purse nicked... all very stressful.
I always carry my wallet in a money belt when overseas but tend to keep some loose banknotes in my pocket.Anyhow we had been sightseeing up at the Pompidou Centre and were travelling back to hotel when we had to change trains on the Metro.This was at rush hour and the stations and trains were packed full.
The train pulled into platform and we had to squash-in. While squashed-in, I started to feel someone's hand go into my trouser pocket and, annoyed by this I just made enough room to grab the hand and twist the wrist of the thieving git who was in my trouser pocket. A teenage boy near me in squashed compartment let out a yell and tried to wriggle free of my grip.While I had grabbed the wrist,another hand was going into my pocket and removing my money.
Original offender wriggled free and bolted through doors of train, which were just closing, along with his mate.
The whole thing lasted about 20 seconds but it was enough to rob me of 20 Euros.
Back at the hotel, geezer on reception told me the pickpockets on Metro are mostly gypsy children who work in gangs. I got a mental picture of them taking the spoils back to their parents at the end of the day.
Little Bastards!
Chatted to an American guy back at hotel called Alex who was totally outraged at my story and said if I wanted he would help me me find the thieves and "rip their fricking heads-off !" He was a burly ex-marine and I had no doubt his offer was genuine, however I declined.
This was the day before I came home and although the amount of money nicked was small
I was well pissed-off.It is just the principle of being robbed that I hated.
I have now been to Paris countless times and have always enjoyed myself there but now must say I have no intention of ever returning.There are other places I must visit.
However, if anyone offers me a free holiday there I would be right there in a minute.

Commonwealth Games Apathy

Who really gives a toss about the Commonwealth Games? Who really knows what the Commonwealth actually is these days and if they do who cares?Either way there will be a load of it on the BBC with the pretence that it is some kind of major event as the Beeb's 'live' sports output is all minority stuff these days (Apart from F1, of course).

Delhi has been described as the most dangerous Commonwealth Games venue in history.

Really? Ahead of Glasgow 2014, that just sounds like fighting talk.
Seriously, you think a couple of roof tiles in a weighlifting gym is bad?
Try running a marathon through Easterhouse.
The Glasgow Games will be the only ones in history where the crowd bring their own javelins. I still don't know how my home town won that bid.
I reckon the organisers turned up and saw loads of people hanging round street corners in tracksuits, and just presumed Glasgow folks were a sporty lot.

In fairness, Glasgow wouldn't let building work affect events. In fact, they'd incorporate it. Use the scaffolding for gymnastics, dive into drying cement for the long jump. And you haven't witnessed proper competition until you've seen the shot putt done with a half brick.

Awright Jimmy !

The Dragon With The Bleach White Teeth

Like most folk the first I knew of Duncan Bannatyne was when he popped-up on Dragon's Den on BBC TV.I honestly can say he never really appealed from the start.I always felt he was unnecessarily harsh to the applicants on the show and seemed to relish ridiculing the folk who were looking for cash for their daft business ideas.A Smart Alec but with no patter to back it up.
However, I was intrigued by him, a former ice cream man who made his fortune in care homes before moving on to health clubs and hotels.I was amazed to learn that he had after making his first pile of cash he trained to be an actor and that his agent, after failing to get him acting gigs,heard about Dragon's Den and from there his fame began if not his acting career.
After seeing he was on Twitter I started to follow him and listened to his opinions on various subjects.However,his main subject was himself and how much he loved himself and loved spouting forth about his wealth and holiday homes etc.I once suggested on twitter he should write a book of memoirs entitled The Man I Love:An Autobiography and he seemed to take it in good humour.
Other folks were not so lucky. A Twitter pal (Big Ag) once suggested his head was up his own backside following Bannatyne's pompius behahaviour on Out Of the Frying Pan(a TV show where Bannatyne behaved rudely towards two young caterers).Well didn't he go off on one? calling her various names and suggesting she was jealous of his great wealth. He also encouraged his followers to send her abusive messages which they did and caused her much upset.I was really amazed at how thin-skinned he was and the sheer venom he showed in revenge for a comment that would seem rather tame to most folk.
Comedian Ross Noble was next for Bannatyne's ire on Twitter. Ross encouraged his followers to bombard Bannatyne with fake business ideas. One memorable one was ‘Dear Mr Dragon, I think people should get free pie every time they go into one of those big-company buildings can you help?’, Bannatyne tweeted back: ‘Are you serious?’Other ideas followed like Jackson Four finger puppets, a butter stick ‘like a Pritt stick but with butter’ and a request for ‘£20million to genetically modify trees to make them mini, therefore easier to climb’. These were really funny, however Mr B did not share in the joke and started name-calling Ross and accusing him of (Yes you have guessed it-: being jealous of his fortune) Bannatyne came across as being pompous and arrogant and extremely petulant.
Nobody on Twitter boasts about their charity work as much as Duncan Bannatyne.He is always tweeting about it. "Look I am a nice guy.Really!" is the gist of it.

He also went on for months about fellow dragon James Caan and his Non-Dom status, claiming that Caan did not pay income tax.This came over as rather childish and Caan, to his credit, never rose to the bait and did not respond to Bannatyne. He is now saying Caan should be replaced on Dragon's Den By Karren Brady and has been told-off for this by Lord Sugar(a truly classy businessman).
Eventually Bannatyne got round to me.Earlier this week he was tweeting away about Britain and how it was such a wonderful country.I made the comment that it was so wonderful he went abroad to France at every opportunity(true)For this I got ridiculed, called a Twat and blocked from following him.Oh yes and let's not forget it was down to my being jealous of all his money.
Firstly,I am amazed it took him so long to block me given my ridicule of him.Next, the man actually considers my not being able to follow him as a punishment.Yeh right,watch me weep.The ego of the man knows no limits and his "toys oot the pram" behaviour speaks volumes about him.
On asking my Twitter followers for views on him, nobody had a good word to say.Occasionally he makes comments that he enjoys being unpopular but I believe he really wants to be loved and admired by the public.
In conclusion, he also dyes his hair,has had cosmetic surgery on his wrinkled boat race and his teeth dyed Domestos white so he looks silly as well as talking the same way.
And for that reason "I'm Out!"
What a jealous bastard I must be.

The Papa Hits Scotland

The Lord indeed moves in mysterious ways. Though on the evidence of this week, mainly along the M8. Yes, the Papal visit came to Scotland.
It was the biggest welcome for a religious leader since Tom Cruise's last film premiere.
Thankfully, it passed off without a hitch. Hallelujah.
Starting in Edinburgh, the Pope got an extremely warm welcome from the Queen.
Observers called it "momentous". Ian Paisley called it "confusing".
The two were singing from the same hymn sheet. Well, it was written in German.
Of course, security was tight, but fortunately they managed to wrestle Prince Philip's guns away from him.
I went for a view with Kirsty and Grace.Couldn’t resist it.The town was absolutely heaving as they say. However for The Papa the journey along Princes Street was particularly fraught with danger. Come on, Edinburgh city centre at lunchtime in a slow-moving car? He's lucky one of the Blue Meanie wardens didn't give the Popemobile a parking ticket.
Then off to Glasgow where Susan Boyle sang on stage and did Scotland proud.
It wasn't easy. She saw all those crosses and thought she was back on Britain's Got Talent getting buzzed off.
Good old SuBo, she's now performed in the presence of God. Makes a change from working for Cowell and performing in the presence of the Devil.
The visit wasn't without controversy. A key member of Benedict's entourage had to pull out for calling us a third world country. He's obviously been to Greenock. On the upside, we are getting a visit from Bono next week.
Bizarrely, they had the TV coverage on in my local pub where we ended-up later on. Now that was a revelation. One guy there heard SuBo singing How Great Thou Art and immediately piped up: "She must be talking about the paintwork on they holy pictures."
The clincher was the bit where the Pope put on a tartan scarf for his first stint in the Popemobile. A nice gesture, appreciated in a different way by an old boy at the end of the bar. "Brilliant," he said. "I see the big man's a fan o’ the Bay City Rollers".Cue loadsalaughter Ye cannae beat the Scottish welcome.
Amen to that.

Radio Times Great Summer Quiz

For all my Twitter pals.
Here is how I fared.



Who Wants To Be A Millionaire - 9/12
Eggheads 4/7
Question Of Sport 5/10
Counterpoint 6/10
Mastermind 3/10
101 Ways To Leave a Gameshow 6/12
Antiques Master 4/10

Round Britain Quiz- Don't understand cryptic questions never mind answer them.
Countdown-Can't think at speed due to lost brain cells after a lifetime of booze

All in all a truly shite performance.
I used to be much better at quizzes and had a good general knowledge. Now my mind is too fuzzy.
The ravages of age indeed.

AA Gill on Peter Alliss From Sunday Times

I never watch golf, but I looked in at the end of the whatever-it-was in
Scotland last Sunday, where they play for a Victorian custard boat. It
really is spectacularly dull as a spectator sport. It might be like an
afternoon in Hugh Hefner’s den to play, but watching it is abysmal.

I understand that failing to pick up the nuanced incremental excitement and
balletic elegance of the game is entirely my loss and that many of you will
have been utterly enraptured by the gay parade of the most embarrassingly
dressed men in the world. Tell me honestly, do you golf chaps really look at
this stuff and think: “I wonder where he got his short-sleeved nylon shirt
with the logos from?” Or: “Wow! A ginger ponytail with a baseball cap. Cool
look.”

Leaving that aside, I’d never actually come across Peter Alliss before. Oh, my
word! Obviously, I’d heard of him. He’s been around since before
gutta-percha. He probably invented the caddy. But I’d never actually had the
singular experience of having to listen to him. Has he always talked like
that, or is this some charitable dotage thing, poor old chap? Because Alliss
is by far, far and away, by a good 30ft chip out of a bunker for a birdie,
the worst sportscaster I have ever come across, ever, and that’s a crowded
field. He just meanders off on some embarrassing private stream of
consciousness about sunsets and ooh girls these days and that’s just the
sort of game it is and there’s a magic here and look at that sunset and the
old ways weren’t all bad you know, and if I had time I could tell you a
thing or two about Oofy Prosser. And would you look at that, and did I
mention the sunset and those girls? It was like listening to a toby jug have
a stroke. There was an excoriating provincial primness and a repressed
snobbery to it all, and it went on and on. Alliss must be able to clear a
clubhouse bar over a single gin and tonic.

What was unintentionally funny is that this emetic stream of Pringle was so
hideously like a minor character in PG Wodehouse. It seems somehow ironic
that Alliss was burbling on just as Jonathan Ross was departing. I
understand that the Venn diagrams of fans of Ross and Alliss are probably
circles that never overlapped, but it has to be said that Ross is a terrific
broadcaster and a terrible loss to the BBC; and Alliss, well, Alliss isn’t.

...............................................

Pablo says-:
I feel as if I have detested Peter Alliss since the beginning of time.
The man is a demented snob and has been for years.He always spoils the BBC golf coverage with his ramblings.

WH Smith : A Depressing Shopping Experience

Been musing on Twitter recently about WH Smith and what a rubbish shopping experience it is.
Definitely time for a full-length rant.
Firstly,their offers are always shit.Who really wants 3 for 2 on books when you are just catching the train to work?
The queues are always a mile long:
"Sod it ! I will just get Metro for free instead of standing in that line for an hour!"
If you do make it to the front of the queue they always try and flog you some huge slab of chocolate (Usually Dairy Milk or Fruit and Nut) for which you would need a seperate extra-strong bag to carry. Has anyone ever bought these monstrous bars of choccy? Ever? It's half seven in the morning for heaven's sake. I am going to work very grudgingly. No I bloody don't want your rotten chocolate.
Another one is if you buy a bottle of water or any other soft drink they always say you can have two bottles for some ridiculous amount like 13p.This entails going back to the fridge and annoys the hell out of those in the queue behind you unless you take the warm bottles that they sometimes have on the counter. All for 13p and to get a bottle of pop you don't want really.
Then they give you a fistful of useless vouchers for crap like "Ink cartridges 5 for the price of 4. Tuesdays only" and a £5 Off voucher that,once you read through all the excuded items, can only be spent on wrapping paper and sealing-wax.These vouchers invariably go in the bin instantly or take to the air immediaetly as new litter.
My Twitter buddy @katzenzungen also points out that on your receipt you will find vouchers have been scanned with value £0.00 though you never ever receive them or know what they are.What the heck is that about?
The WH Smith shops in motorway services are even worse...but that is another tale

Toff Time For The Bad Lads

The cost of keeping young offenders in prison for a year is £38,000 – more than annual fees at Eton, claims Justice Secretary Ken Clarke.

The remedy is obvious: send bad lads to Eton, to learn to be a Tory Prime Minister. Who says crime doesn’t pay?
All sounds highly logical to me

World Cup Views etc..

The World Cup is now in full swing and I have to admit I am underwhelmed by it all.
This may be to do with the fact that I am Scottish and we ain't there.
Alan Hansen is there but he is practically a naturalised Englishman these days...
The BBC are there en masse including my dear friend Nicky Campbell, who the other day devoted the whole of his one hour phone-in to the pros and cons of the vuvuzela horn.He bravely tried to play it himself, though later admitted to me on Twitter his style of playing was more Freddy 'Parrot Face' Davis than Miles Davis.
The Beeb coverage is really all too much especially on 5Live where they don't seem to talk about owt else and all the normal programmes have disappeared.
Then there is Fabio and the England team
I can't stand all the flag-waving jingoistic crap that comes around with England in the World Cup mainly because of the utter mediocrity of the actual team and all the journalistic hype that goes along with it. I like Rooney and Lampard but you can keep the rest of them..overpaid over-rated buffons that they are.
Still, there is much to look forward to sports -wise. Ascot this week. Wimbledon next week.Open golf.I may take root on the sofa... then again I might just tidy that garden as I have been threatening to do.(Fat chance)...............

HP Sauce

Parliament is back today.
Different faces.Same old rubbish.
I don't think much of the Tory/Liberal coalition.Clegg made so much about changing away from the old style two party politics and now here he is in bed with Lord Toffingham and his pals.Public schoolboys together... only this time it is the country they are running.. not the tuck shop.Labour might have been unpopular but the LibDems are even more so with only fifty MPs and now here they are in government with The Toffs.
Can't stand The Speaker,John Bercow. You think they could have elected someone with a bit of class after years of Mick Martin and his bluster? No chance.
Like HP Sauce, I hope this parliament has some spice.
However, I fear it may well be simply more of the brown stuff...

Hung Parliament

Well,David Cameron was missing most of yesterday while Cleggy was trying to thrash out a deal for maximum power and,in the middle, Gordon Brown making his excuses and leaving.
It has all been facinating but I do hope it does not drag on much longer.
Firstly, the suspense is killing me.
Also the news channels are literally boring the tits off me.(My poor wee nipples were in agony yesterday)
Thank heavens for the sheer entertainment of Adam Boulton and Alastair Campbell shouting the odds on Sky News yesterday... Real 'handbags at ten paces 'kind of stuff.

News:It's all so reactive

You knew where you were with the news once.

All right-thinking folk got their fix of the papers once a day. And a posh man who looked like he enjoyed a G&T or 12 at the golf club called Reginald popped up on TV for 10 minutes at teatime to talk about the balance of payments deficit.

No one knew what these were, least of all Reginald. But it was reassuring. And outside of this, very, very rarely, there might be a newsflash.

Crackerjack would go dim and a serious voice would say “There now follows a newsflash…”

They were the scariest words in the English language. Even a 10-year-old knew you didn’t interrupt the Krankies for anything less than an invasion from Neptune.

Now on 24-hour news you get celebrities being asked for their “reaction to” significant breaking news stories.


“Reaction to” is what passes for TV news these days. After all there are 24 long hungry hours to fill and very few Neptunian invasions.


So, in the interests of my blog and my followers here’s my “reaction to” some recent major stories.

Ricky Martin is gay: “You’re kidding?! And Livin’ La Vida Loca is such a butch song!”

Dawn and Lenny: “None of our flipping business.”

General Election: “Are any of the candidates a white bloke in a black suit? Great!”

Proper Nouns Allowed In Scrabble: “Only when you prise these tiles from my cold, dead fingers.

“And that’s not how you spell Beyonce.”

Neptunian invasion: “Now you’re talking!”

Deja Vu (UptownBaby) - Lord Tariq & Peter Gunz

some top Rap with a backing track sampling Black Cow by Steely Dan

Election Eve Blues

Well tomorrow is the election.
I get the feeling the Tories will win with a tiny and barely-workable majority.
Whoever wins, there is one certainty-: More taxation.
That is a depressing fact that cannot be escaped.
It looks like most of us will be worse off.
However, that matters less when you are Toffs like David Cameron and his buddies.

Britain is skint and that's a fact.
I often wonder who the money is actually owed-to?
Let them declare war on us and we can fight them for it. That's what we need-:
An old-fashioned war with everyone employed and a common purpose instead of the waste of our campaigns in Afghanistan.
We don't owe America,surely?
If we do it might not be a good idea fighting them.
We could give The Cayman Islands a pasting though.

Working For The Bookie Part I

Away back in the mists of time I had a brief spell working for a bookie's shop in n in the backwoods of central Scotland.
I was out of work and between careers and needed some cash when the opportunity came to work in the bookies.
My uncle Jack had acquired a bookies shop at short notice. I always suspected the bookie owed him money or that the bookie needed money in a hurry when he sold up to Jack.
Anyway, the place was an absolute shitehole and needed cleaned-up quickly before opening. We managed to do this in a couple of days and come the Monday when we opened the doors we were raring to go. It was very small-fry though. He was through the back settling the bets. I was on the counter taking and paying-out the bets. He hired someone to work the weekends along with me, a strange girl called Connie.
From the start there were problems-:

1.Jack and myself hated each other.We always had. He was a prime asshole who owned a couple of shops and he was way dodgy. He lent out money and, while not a loan shark, he was too close to being one for comfort. He was my Mum's brother and she regarded him as the one of her family who had made some cash and loved him for that. I was offered the job cos he needed somebody quickly and I was hard-up enough to need it.


2.I couldn't count. A bad failing. I had never worked in a shop before and I was hopeless with change. The till never balanced most days .Sometimes up, sometimes down but rarely was it bang-on.Not great amounts of money but enough to greatly annoy Jack.

3. I was gambler and liked to bet.This meant I ventured into rival establishments and was on first name terms with his competitors some of whom were my friends. This got Jack very paranoid from the off.

4. Connie was a lunatic. A complete gossip and a slapper too. One of these thing would have been enough to annoy me but all three was too much.

I knew very early on that this was not going to work out and Boy, was I right !

To Be Continued..........

*Names changed in the interests of sanity

Marty Funkhouser Joke from Curb Your Enthusiasm

The following is a very rude joke as told to Jerry Seinfeld by Marty Funkhouser on HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm -:
Watch on Youtube

A woman is very afraid of the size of her opening.

So she goes to her mother, she says what am I going to do I’m so big down there when I marry Harry he’s going to divorce me.

Her mother says don’t worry sweetheart it runs in the family, do what I did when I married your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver, put it in there he’ll never know the difference.

So she does.

They have eight hours of sex after their marriage. She wakes up at 10 o’clock, he’s gone but there’s a note on her pillow.
It says -:
“My darling Harriet.
To think that I waited a year to consummate our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up.
The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a picket fence, we’ll have dogs and children.

When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.

Your loving husband, Harry.

PS. Your cunt is in the sink."

Wheelie Bin Washers

A bin by its very nature is usually dirty.
Why then do folk spend money to have their wheelie-bins washed?
The utter pointlessness of it is amazing
Surely in a recession such businesses would be first to be the victim of domestic penny pinching?
I prefer my bin to be dirty though I will continue to keep my house clean.

Election 2010 -Candidates Debate

The first candidates debate was an almighty snoozefest.
I gave up on with a half hour to go. Let's face it, we were not going to miss much as it was going to be all over the news anyway.
Brown did marginally better than Cameron. Clegg spoke well but lives in a fantasy world.
I absolutely can wait until the second debate.

'My wife screamed for help all night but it never came'

'My wife screamed for help all night but it never came' - Edinburgh Evening News

Tragic story from the Edinburgh Evening News on the poor standard of dementia care.
Dementia in so many ways can be the most awful of all illnesses for both the afflicted and their families.
There's no doubt demetia patients can be a challenge to look after,however, their dignity must be respected as a given

Baby Baby Baby -Joss Stone

I don't think this video is a wise career move for Ms Stone-:

Election 2010 Leaders Debate #1

Tonight it is the first of the leaders debates.
The big question is -:Will I watch it live?
I have my doubts as it is on for two hours and with politics I doubt I have a sufficient attention span to take it all in.
Anyway,the whole thing will be hugely stage-managed and stilted.
However, there is always the chance of someone making a gaffe or being tied in knots by one of the others.
"Perhaps" is my answer then.

Sinus Update

Unable to go back to work today due to pain and general blockage.
The way shifts are mean I don't return until Thursday of next week.
Should be more healed-up by then.

Me and My sinuses

Last Tuesday was under surgeon's knife for a Septoplasty where the inside of my nose was re-arranged. I was in hospital overnight and had to be off work for over a week.
It was all rather messy and a bit on the sore side.Self pity seemed my main problem though,rather than the pain.
Inside of nostrils is still a mess and I am having steam-inhalations with menthol crystals daily as well as daily irrigations of the nose with saline via a syringe.After surgery was told it may be 3 months before I get the full benefit of the op! THREE MONTHS ! I am hoping that is a worst case scenario.
Anyway, I am managing on with the help of Cocodamol tablets and feeling better daily.
"Three months !"

Introduction

This is it.
Pablo210 tries his hand at blogging.
A big 'Hi' to my twitter and facebook buddies.
I dare say it will be as random as my twitter contributions, just more of it.
"Less is more" I hear you all say.
Anyway a huge welcome to you all.